Commercial Break???

[Announcer] When you're in da hood and in need of protection, call 1-800-LOCDOG!!! [Testimonial 1] I was safer without his presence, even though there was no risk to me, ten people died that day. [Testimonal 2 Nigga] Ey yo, this is locdog himself here, are you in need of protection, I will go niggasaki on them asses... [Testimonial 3] He put a gun to my head and asked me for my number, now he's claiming to protect "my ass" and I have to pay him fitty a day. [Testimonial 4] This is Emergency services... [Testimonial 3] Yes hello this is Icey Cuba... [Testimonial 4] Did you say Ice Cube? [Testimonial 3] No I said Icey Cuba, anyway nigga... [Testimonial 4] Please sir, I am white. I don't give a shit that you're white, keep Loc Dog away from me, that nigga is insane! [Testimonial 2 again] Insane, did you just call me insane??? [Testimonial 4] Wait a minute, is this live??? [Testimonial 2] Run bitch, run!!! Also, call 1-800-LOCDOG when in need of protection... *click*
[Talon] How am I supposed to do the news after this commercial? [Chaniqua] As always, bullshit your way through it... [Talon] I don't bullshit! [Chaniqua] No, you merely talk nonsense like you always do! [Talon] You think it's easy to bring all these people the news, it's harder than you think, Maxis?!? Don't you have anything to say about this? [Maxis Jaxxon] The Corona Virus outbreak is merely controlled depopulation, don't worry about it! [Chaniqua] No, we were talking about Loc Dog's protection agency! [Maxis Jaxxon] He's not affiliated with the current government and he has kept my neighbourhood safe from other criminals! [Chaniqua] That's because he keeps killing them! [Talon] Uhm... [Technical Difficulties] We seem te be having technical difficulties, please stand by...

News Tonight - New Shopping Mall [022420-02]

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Welcome dear viewer. Today the major of our local city opened up the renewed city center's building spot after the shoplifter, or should I say choplifter struck and emptied out the city center. Chaniqua is as always at the scene. Chaniqua, my delicous chocolate praline delight, are you there? [Chaniqua] Yes I'm here you white chocolate bonbon filled with milky way cream and coconut sprinkles on top. [Announcer] Hey, are you two actually dating or something? [Talon] What no, where the hell would you get that idea from? [Chaniqua] Hell no, where would you get that idea from mr. Announcer person. [Announcer] Well, sometimes it seems you two are just putting up a show! [Talon] Us putting up a show? [Chaniqua] How dare you, we're trying to bring people the news here! Anyway, I'm standing here with Mr. Pretzel, the major of our local town and he has prepared a statement. [Major Pretzel] Hi, citizens of our local city and surrounding villages. Let me be the first to congratulate you all on paying your taxes which makes the rebuilding of our city centre possible. Within the next five months we will be building a state of the art shopping centre that will fill all your needs, and by that I mean all your needs. [Chaniqua] You mean hookers don't you? [Major Pretzel] They like to be called physical labor employees Chaniqua so that is what I'm going to call them. [Talon] There you have it people, new shopping mall being built in our city centre. And as a long time host of News Today and News Tonight I would like to thank the Choplifter for not lifting the news station I'm currently at. After the commercials a breakdown of all the new shops and a tour of the area being built with our major Mr. Pretzel...

[Announcer] Don't you just love the smell of napalm in the morning, well we here at Local Army Surplus do and are selling left over napalm for a reasonable price. Use Coupon Code NAM25 for an additional 25% off!!!

Mindless Chatter - Watch out for new Demonic Demigods! [022420-01]

[Announcer] Welcome to Mindless Chatter, here's your favorite host! [Talon] Tonight we feature an occult specialist that goes by the name DicksHellenKeller666. [DicksHellenKeller666] The evil apparition slash god figure Baphomet is going out of style, there's a new demonic godlike being in town and it's called Raphomey T. You see, Baphomet has titties and real rap fanatics don't want to be controlled by some bitch with titties. RapHomey T has thirteen dicks, twelve arms and in each hand a different handgun. It starts with a Mac8, then a Mac9, then a Mac10 and of course a Mac11 just to scare nigga's. I will refrain from listing the rest of the handguns for now and focus on his ass which is a turtle's ass, yes people, his ass resembles that one of a turtle. He's got bunny teeth and a prodent smile while his feet are those of a kangaroo. The knees are from a giraffe, not his neck though, that would be weird. And of course the nose is that of a cat and the mouth is a dogs mouth. It's call is "Rawr rawr Woof woof" and can be heard in the night when high on acid. Now the real danger is actually believing in RapHomey T, he just might appear 13 minutes after midnight. [Talon] Okay people, I think we have heard enough, I need a drink. Anyway… How about just living your life and not putting any effort into creating weird beings to pray to. Get up in the morning, do your daily routine. Drink and smoke some when you're done and go to sleep. See you tomorrow!!

Presented without comment...

Real Life of Talon - Bitches Be Crazy!!!

So this morning right, currently admitted to Crazytown... This fucked up retard ass motherfucker with a Diablo tattoo in his neck became violent. This guy next to me right, says to the crazy bitch, so you're 24 y/o, you could have been my daughter while being 50 something himself. To which I said, and the nurse then, she's 26 y/o, could't she have been your daughter as well. This retard Diablo tattoo motherfucker picks up a can filled with oatmeal and tries to crush my head in saying I was talking about his 2 y/o baby, the table moved and the 50 something man got an injured knee. So I called the popo since there ain't enough security here, the nurses take over the call and hung up. I then started to explain to the male nurse that they be giving positive re-enforcements of bad behavior and this crazy bitch started saying that I was sexually assaulting her, man I wouldn't even want to touch that crazy bitch with a stick. Anyways, I'm filled with adrenaline now…

Did come up with a rap verse though… Shank a shiv, shank a shiv, bitch you ain't gonna liv..

Mindless Chatter - Corona Beer or Virus?!? [022220-03]

[Announcer] Welcome to the very first episode of Mindless Chatter, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] There's a danger in our midst, a real danger that carries the smell of death. Corona Rats, no not the virus. Drunk Sewer Rats that are drunk on Corona Beer. Now you might ask yourself the question how scientists came up with the name Corona Virus when there's already the beer named Corona. There are already theories that the scientists who came up with the name Corona Virus were actually drunk on Corona Beer themselves. However, those same scientists dispute this very notion before stumbling off stage. Yes people, there you have it, Beer is now being confused with a deadly virus. What has the world come to when good tasting Cerveza becomes confused with a deadly virus, these are surely the end times the bible spoke of. After the commercials we have a drinking contest with Corona Beer and a more in depth perspective on the dangerous Corona Rats!!

[Announcer] Hi, did you ever ask yourself the question, do my farts smell? The answer is, yes they do! We now offer Pot Pourri Butt Plugs that turn even the worst farts into something other people will inhale through their nostrils with sheer pleasure. Call 1-800-ILUVFARTS now!!! Use coupon Code ROSEFART for an additional 5% off of your first purchase!!!

Editors Note: All articles will be added to the original blog...

News Tonight - Shoplifter Choplifter Shoppingmall [022220-02]

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Welcome to tonights news, do you remember the shoplifter from last year? Last year a shoplifter became so rich from stealing from shops he bought four chinook helicopters and literally started lifting shops. Chaniqua, my favorite reporter who resembles a banana split with extra chocolate sauce has the inside scoop! Chaniqua? [Chaniqua] Yes I'm here at the scene you dame blanche without any chocolate sauce whose skin is lighter than sunlight on a sunny day. I mean you're so white you make KKK members hide in the shade out of shame from being mistaken as a nigga. Anyways, I'm here at the scene. Well, not actually, see the shoplifter, or should I say choplifter, had collected so many stores that he has opened up a mall at the border of our local city. [Talon] Well I'll be damned, anyways, please continue! [Chaniqua] I'm standing here at the new mall that opened today and I have to admit it's not looking too shabby. Yesterday he added a MacDonalds to complete the setting, and yes the same people are now at work here. Here's the local MacDonalds manager. [MacDonalds Manager] Hi, this morning I got confused, because the navigation system in my car on my way to work had new directions. But now I am pleased to announce that we have a grand opening of a MacDonalds at the border of our local city. [Talon] Thank you for that wonderful reporting Chaniqua, and there you have it people. New shopping mall, new MacDonalds, same buildings. After the commercials we will do a tour of the new shopping mall.

[Announcer] Have you ever tried the best cookies in the world? Sure you have, granny made them! Well, we here at SuperCookies went to all old folks homes across the world and have stolen their recipes to bring you the Ultimate Delight Cookies. You can order them online or find them at your local supermarket!!! [Asian Salesperson] Go to www.fookyoo.local/food/cookies and use Coupon Code FU10 for an additional 10% off. Why? Well, because Fook Yoo!!!

Reference Link: https://talonshumor.blogspot.com/2019/08/news-today-020819-01.html

(Written by: Rob van Loon... Yeah it's still me...)

Commercial - [022220-01]

[Chaniqua] You're as white as the inside of a coconut you salty ass white cream filled ass cracker, you make milk look beige. Many more insults against all races will follow this year as we again strive to win the Crazy Insane Globe Award in the Category Racism once more in 2020. [Talon] Thank you again for voting for us in 2019, let's win 2020 as well!!!

Commercial - Call 1-800-EAZYEXIT now!!!

[Clinically Sounding Salesperson] Are you old and tired of life? Then we have the solution for you. We at the Eazy Exit Euthanasia Clinic want to provide you with the most calm and eazy retreat of the game called life possible. With only four injections you will go from Calm, More Calm, Slightly Euphoric and Incoherent to the most Eazy Exit possible. Call 1-800-EAZYEXIT now and receive a Free Floral Crown at your Funeral or Cremation!!! Use Coupon Code EAZY for an additional 10% Off!!!

Under the weather, got shivers...

This is the emperor of trolling!!!

And here's a spoof commercial:

News Tonight - DMXTC Victims [021920-01]

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!! [Talon] Hi and welcome to tonight's news. Several people died in our local hood after taking DMXTC, Chaniqua has the inside scoop and is on the scene as always. [Chaniqua] Yes, I'm currently as they say, In Tha Hood. Five people went to an illegal houseparty after ingesting DMXTC which is made of the substance called MDMXA. Here's a scientist! [Local Scientist] Yes, thank you for having me. I'm a local forensic scientist. We all know regular substance called MDMA, but the added X turns out to be bad for your health since they all died from respatory issues and instant heart failure, it does get you extra high though. [Chaniqua] Thank you for that insight mister scientist, back to you Talon... [Talon] More news after the commercials about senior women having problems holding their pee in while on the bus, right now, commercials!

[Maxis Jaxxon] Hi, Maxis Jaxxon here from Conspiracy Now. Today we are announcing a new product, the ultimate in showergels. I call it Hairpro Bodysoak Ultimate Pro!!! Now watch me under the shower smearing and soaking my slightly overweight body with it. See, you can hardly see my genitals through all that foam!!! Buy now for the introductory price of 10 Moneys 99. Call 1-800-DATAWARS Now!!!

Commercial - Call 1-800-DMXTC Now!!!

[DMX] No, I'm not screaming, this is how I talk. And today I'm talking about my latest product, DMXTACY bitches, they be gettin' yo ass euphoric and high as fuck. Order now and get free drone delivery within 45 minutes. Call 1-800-DMXTC now and be high within the average length of a Hollywood movie. [Some cracker under the influence] I got them glowsticks man, glow motherfucking sticks man, woooo wooooo...  [Some black physician from tha hood] Nine out of ten party people in the hood recommend this product!!!

Commercial - Call 1-800-UNDERPRESSURE!!!

We at the Tupac Remembrance Foundation have the product for you, Tupac Stress Relief Pills!!!  Now in stores for only 9.12 Moneys or call 1-800-UNDERPRESSURE now!!! [Some Nigga] I used to smoke weed and it became an expensive habit, being a gangsta causes a lot of stress in my life. Since I have discovered TSRP's I get high by popping two of those which only costs me 76 cents. [Some White Physician] 9 out of 10 Nigga's recommend this stress relief medicine!

Commercial - Call 1-800-EXCORCISM Now!!!

Call 1-800-ICET Now!!! - Commercial [021120-03]

[ICE-T] Hi I'm Tracy Lauren Marrow, but you might know me by my artist name ICE T. And all y'all out there when you order an Ice Tea, you better drink my shit. It's delicious!!! [Some Niggette] I used to drink Lipton Ice Tea, but since I have discovered ICE T Iced Tea I won't settle for anything less! [Local Government Health Institution Spokesperson] Nine out of Ten iced tea lovers recommend ICE T Ice Tea!!

Disturbed Animals (LiVE) - Rabid Dogs [021120-02]

Welcome to a Live episode of Channel One's Disturbed Animals where we put the spotlight on wild animals that show disturbing behaviour. Here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Welcome dear viewer, please be seated while watching this program and make sure your children do not watch this show! Chaniqua has the inside scoop on this one so let's switch to her right now… [Chaniqua] Thank you Talon! Today a pack of wild rabid autistic psychotic halucinating german shepherds who were undergoing police dog training escaped and are now roaming through the city foaming at the mouth. People are advised to stay inside. [Talon] This is sounding more like an official government warning, hey wait a minute... My neighbour's kid is currently walking his dog, I gotta call my neighbour… *Talon calls his neighbour* [Neighbour Keith] Hello, this is Keith speaking, with whom do I have the pleasure? [Talon] No time for that… [Keith] Oh hey, it's you Ta... [Talon] Yes, yes it's me, is your son still outside? [Keith] Yes, why? [Talon] Well, we're currently doing a live recording Disturbed Animals and a pack of wild rabid autistic psychotic halucinating german shepherds are on the loose and to my calculation they will possibly reach your son within five minutes... [Keith] What, a pack of wild rabid autistic psychotic halucinating german shepherds are on the loose and they might reach my sons location within the next five minutes? [Talon] Yes, and they're foaming at the mouth, so you better be quick… *Click* [Talon] Well, there you have it people. Stay inside, and if you see the pack, please call 1-800-EMERGENCY. And now we go to a commercial break!

[Announcer] Hi, is your pet too active, maybe even hyperactive? We now offer you the solution! 2 pills a day and your pet won't play. Call 1-800-COMAPET now!! Use coupon code COMA10 for an additional 10% off. You can also order via www.fookyoo.local/fookyoopet. Yes, Fook Yoo Pet!!!

News Tonight - JetPack Prison Escapes III [021120-01]

[Announcer] Welcome to News Tonight, here's your favorite host!!! [Talon] Hi and welcome back to the News. It has been two months since the last prison escape using Jetpacks. And well, if those escapes weren't worrysome enough, there has been another escape. Chaniqua my chocolate donut, are you there? [Chaniqua] Yes you white glazed fat donut with sprinkles, I'm here. Apparently an inmate was getting Legos from his son and well, those bottles filled with orange juice turned out to be another type of juice. Yes you've guessed it, they contained Jetpack fuel. He created a Jetpack out of Legos, using the tin bottles as propulsion. [Talon] Was it Lego Technic? [Chaniqua] Yes indeed, he created the Jetpack out of Lego Technic pieces. He told the guards he wanted to show his Lego concoction to his son who was visiting with his wife. He lifted off during the show and tell and is currently on the run. [Talon] And the wife and son? [Chaniqua] They are currently being interrogated by the local police! [Talon] Thank you for your wonderful contribution Chaniqua! Next up, a story about The Chainsaw Grandmother Coalition, but first we have a commercial break!

[Announcer] Ever felt tired and wanted to lie to your own body? Take a Trucker Pill!!! Call 1-800-LEGALSPEED now!!! Use coupon code METH for an additional 10% off.

Continuation of https://talonshumor.blogspot.com/

https://talonshumor.blogspot.com/2019/10/news-today-jetpack-prison-escape-101919.html
https://talonshumor.blogspot.com/2019/11/news-tonight-jetpack-prison-escapes-ii.html